This word popped up in the middle of Covid during a time of deep sadness. At that time I had shifted full time to drinkroot, was recently married and we were expecting our first baby in a few months. Unfortunately I had made a series of terrible life decisions during that time which completely put us in a hole. During the next 6+ months and sadly, the first few months of our daughters life, I was a shell of a human being.

Nobody outside knew this of course because, being a man, you are required to shut up, man up, take your hits, tuck it down, and put on a big smile. Luckily we had to mask up and stay home anyway so I could hide everything through a slew of pre-planned benign text messages-"Yeah we're doing well!".

Aside- I constantly wonder how many people we meet or see everyday that are harboring intense debilitating pain behind a positive masked persona, and we never know. I personally think it's well over half of us that are clinging onto the edge of life, but you tell me what you think. Maybe the people we call "crazy", are really the truest humans to walk the earth, because they are being freely themselves.

Everyday I woke up in fear and in pain. My body ached, my head was heavy, I was constantly tired, and everywhere I looked there was darkness. I still don't understand why I was sore and in pain all the time as I certainly wasn't exercising vigorously then (maybe one of you can shine a light on this.) Anyways, I've always understood life to be suffering and had some very hard times before -but this was different. The walls were caving in around me. It was unbearable. Mostly because it wasn't just me now, it was also the wellbeing of my wife and my daughter.

There's nothing like the beauty of life's responsibilities to make you finally grow up.

How do you keep on a smile on your face if you are scrambling to sell everything you have, to feed your crying child. How do you continue to move forward if you do not have a willing support system to depend on. How do you lead your team if you can barely find the energy to get out of bed? How do you continue to believe in yourself if you are constantly failing at providing the most basic safetys and securities for the ones you love the most.

I think the answer, at least it was for me, is to learn and take action on loving yourself

Through some stroke of absolute luck (and complete irony), I found myself in a zoom call with a dozen forward thinking individuals counseling a mutual friend who was greiving through a truly terrible loss (which really puts your own struggles in perspective.) Through the call we were all sharing recent findings and hacks to cope or heal, me feeling like a total hypocrite whenever I offered support. Eventually a friend brought up an ancient Japanese custom (which I will go in depth into later) but then the wisest one of the group, began to speak of the practice of Ho'oponopono. 🌺

It was like a lighting bolt hit me ⚡️.

I had heard this before and for the next fifteen minutes while he lectured on the practice, I found myself in a cloud of thought searching my life where I had first heard this odd word uttered. And like a flash, I saw myself as almost 2 decades ago in Kailua on a sunny day, sitting on the floor next to a pool, as aunty spoke, telling us "Hoʻoponopono is our practice of healing our community through forgiveness and spiritual cleansing."

• Understanding Hoʻoponopono

• The Role of Family and Community in Traditional Ho'oponopono

  • Traditional Hoʻoponopono Process

• Modern Hoʻoponopono

  • Why Practice It

  • Why Forgiveness Is Freedom

• Hoʻoponopono and the Spirit of Aloha

• Creating Your Own Hoʻoponopono Ritual

• Ho'oponopono And You

• Conclusion

Hoʻoponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice rooted in communal healing. The word comes from:

• Ho'ō - to make or cause

• Pono – right, just, balanced, moral

• Pono (repeated again) – to deeply emphasize complete righteousness or harmony

Thus, Hoʻoponopono means “to make right, doubly right.” It is about restoring balance—not only externally in your relationships but internally within your soul.

Traditionally, it was used as a ceremonial familial reconciliation led by a kahu (healer or priest). The purpose was to address and release the spiritual, emotional, and interpersonal blockages—called paʻa—that led to conflict, illness, or misfortune.

As respected Hawaiian scholar Mary Kawena Pukui explained in Nānā I Ke Kumu (1972):

“Hoʻoponopono was a practice of making things right within the family. Everything had to be discussed until the truth was uncovered and feelings were expressed. Only then could release and forgiveness occur.”

Group of People Hugging

Family—ʻohana—is always central in Hawaiian culture. It’s not just important; it’s everything. In Hawaiian values, ʻohana goes beyond the Western concept of the nuclear family. It includes extended family, close friends, ancestors, and even those who are not blood-related but share a deep bond of care and responsibility. It’s about connection, mutual support, and collective well-being.

In traditional Hawaiian society, the health and harmony of the ʻohana was seen as a reflection of one’s spiritual and emotional state. If there was conflict or dis-ease within the family, it was believed to affect not just the individuals involved, but the entire group—including future generations. That’s why practices like hoʻoponopono were so essential—they ensured that relationships were continually cleansed, healed, and made pono (right).

Children were raised not just by their parents, but by aunties, uncles, grandparents, and the community. Elders were deeply respected for their wisdom and life experience, and their role in guiding the family was both spiritual and practical. There was a shared kuleana (responsibility) to care for one another, to uphold harmony, and to live with aloha.

During a talk story with an auntie we respect deeply (and hope to bring on here soon!), she emphasized the deep importance of ohana in Hawaiian culture—and especially the role of elders. Getting along with your ʻohana is not just about keeping peace and ensuring jovial holiday, it’s about honoring the wisdom, sacrifices, and guidance of those who came before you. Elders hold a sacred place in Hawaiian life; they are the carriers of tradition, the storytellers, the teachers. Their words carry weight because they are rooted in generations of lived experience. She reminded us that respecting and listening to our elders is not just a sign of good character but also a vital part of what keeps island culture alive and strong.

Traditional Hoʻoponopono process is a deeply sacred ceremony that is centered around healing, truth-telling, and spiritual cleansing. It usually begins with the gathering of the ʻohana (family), community, or individuals affected (not just those directly involved in the conflict, but often the extended family as well). Everyone comes together in a safe, sacred space with the shared intention of restoring harmony. The process is guided by a respected elder or kahuna lapaʻau (healing practitioner), who holds the spiritual authority to lead the ritual with compassion and clarity. The place, elder, and structure is important because it ensures all parties feel heard and guided toward harmony, aligning with Hawaiian values of lōkahi (unity)

Throughout this process, traditional Hawaiian elements play a symbolic and spiritual role. Limu kala, a type of seaweed, is often used as a physical representation of forgiveness and release—participants may touch it or use it in ritual cleansing. Wai (water), a powerful symbol of purification and life, is used to cleanse the body and spirit, washing away the residue of pain or discord. Spiritual chants, or oli, are woven into the ritual to call upon ancestral wisdom and to create a vibration of harmony and truth. These chants help ground the process in sacred intention, anchoring the ceremony in the spiritual lineage of the Hawaiian people. In this way, hoʻoponopono is far more than conflict resolution, it is a profound journey back to pono—a state of inner and collective balance, guided by love, respect, and the healing wisdom of the ancestors.

While the exact steps could vary slightly between families and islands, a typical traditional hoʻoponopono included these main steps:

1. Kūkaukau (Preparation and Setting Intention): Here the leader gathers participants in a sacred space. A pule (prayer) is offered to invoke spiritual guidance from akua (deities) or ‘aumākua (ancestral guardians). Participants who are gathered as asked to speak truthfully and respectfully, aligning with kūpono (righteousness).
2. Kūkulu Kumuhana (Stating the Problem): Here the leader restates the issue neutrally, avoiding blame. Clarifies any missing parts, and sets the intention to resolve conflict with sincerity. If situation escalates, the group must agree to address one issue at a time to avoid overwhelming hihia.
3. Mahiki (Open Discussion and Truth-Telling): Each person would have a chance to speak openly and honestly about their feelings, hurts, or misunderstandings. No one dominates or deflects blame here. This step was about truth-telling, sometimes called haʻi ʻōlelo (to speak words). Questions may be asked to uncover deeper issues, peeling back layers like a banana shoot. The goal being not to argue but to lay everything on the table without fear of retaliation.
4. Mihi (Confession and Forgiveness): Each person confesses their wrongs (hewa), whether intentional or not, with sincerity. Others offer kala (forgiveness), releasing resentment. The leader may guide participants to express gratitude or reaffirm bonds. A pule may be offered to seal forgiveness spiritually. This step required humility and authentic remorse, allowing emotional walls to come down. Confession clears emotional blockages, and forgiveness restores harmony. Withholding forgiveness perpetuates hihia.
5. Kala (Release and Resolution): The leader confirms all issues have been addressed. Participants agree to let go of the conflict, often symbolized by a ritual act (e.g., sharing a meal, sprinkling water, or exchanging breath in honi). A final pule thanks the spiritual forces and seals the resolution.
6. Pani (Closing): The leader summarizes the resolution and reaffirms group unity. Participants may share food (‘ai) or a gesture of aloha (e.g., a hug) to symbolize restored bonds. The group disperses with a commitment to maintain harmony.

Women in White Meditating in the Mountain With Her Eyes Closed

Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona, a respected kahuna lapaʻau (Hawaiian healer), modernized the Ho’oponopono practice in the 1970s, adapting it into a self-help technique that focuses on individual healing and spiritual growth.

Simeona’s approach moved the practice inward—transforming it into a solo, meditative ritual where healing begins within the self. She taught that by taking 100% responsibility for our lives, including our relationships and challenges, we can begin to cleanse subconscious memories and beliefs that contribute to pain, fear, or emotional suffering.

Through this lens, every experience is seen as a reflection of our inner world, and healing ourselves becomes a way of healing the collective.

The Four Sacred Phrases

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you."

At the heart of modern hoʻoponopono are four simple but powerful phrases:

1. "I’m sorry."
   You have to acknowledges that something known or unknown within you has contributed to a situation, imbalance, or pain.

2. "Please forgive me."
   This phrase is a request for forgiveness, from yourself, others, or the universe—for any role you may have played in allowing that pain or energy to exist.

3. "Thank you."
   Expresses gratitude for the opportunity to heal and release negativity, and for the lessons present in every experience.

4. "I love you."
   A declaration of love—to yourself, others, and the divine—that restores harmony and opens the heart.

These phrases act as a spiritual reset button, cleansing emotional and energetic imprints, and allowing healing to unfold naturally.

Today, especially through the teachings of the late Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len (a Hawaiian practitioner and instructor of Ho'oponopono), Hoʻoponopono has taken a more introspective form, focused on self-responsibility and personal healing.

Dr. Len famously healed an entire ward of criminally insane patients at Hawaii State Hospital—not through direct therapy, but by reviewing each patient’s file and applying the Hoʻoponopono prayer within himself.

“I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said, as documented in Joe Vitale’s book Zero Limits (2007).

This radical approach rests on the idea that you are responsible for everything in your reality. Not in a blame-heavy way, but through the lens of shared consciousness and energy. What shows up in your life is an opportunity to heal within.

Woman Smiling At Her Left

The more you practice hoʻoponopono, the more you’ll understand that it’s not just about healing—it’s about how you choose to walk through the world. It’s about living with the spirit of Aloha. Aloha does not only mean "hello" or "goodbye", at its heart, Aloha means love, compassion, kindness, peace, and mutual respect. It's a way of being, a deep expression of connection with others, nature, and the spirit of life itself.

Whether you’re dealing with a tough conversation, catching yourself in judgment, or just trying to be a little more present in your daily life, the practice helps bring you back to center. Those four phrases, they’re like a soft reset button for the heart. They remind us to take responsibility for our energy and actions, and to return to love, even in moments that don’t feel easy.

Integrating hoʻoponopono in our everyday interactions may help change the way we relate to people. It may help us to pause before reacting. It may help us offer grace—to others and to ourselves. And most of all, it may help us stay in alignment with who we want to be: someone who leads with love and walks with purpose.

Living in the spirit of Aloha is about choosing, moment by moment, to show up with kindness, with awareness, and with a willingness to heal.

Woman Looking at Her Reflection in the Mirror

It may not be as exact as the traditional 5-6 step ceremony but it's along the same vein. You don’t need a ceremonial gathering or a spiritual leader, just you.

Here’s a simplified self-practice:

1. Think of a specific moment or situation where you believe the worst of you came out. Where you acted unfairly, made a terrible mistake, had something terrible done to you, or where you are in the most pain both mental and physical.
2. Walk up to the mirror, look at yourself in the mirror and play the action or situation in your head while you look at your own eyes
3. Then maintaining eye contact, repeat this 4 phrases mantra out loud.

"I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you"

Do this every day. Especially when you’re hurting. It won’t always bring immediate relief, but it begins the process of inner restoration.

As Dr. Len put it:

“Peace begins with me.”

Man in Orange Facing Up With Eyes Closed and Hands Up in the Air

If hoʻoponopono has stirred something in you, whether it’s a sense of peace, curiosity, or even emotion you didn’t expect, just know that you’re not alone. This practice has a quiet, powerful way of opening the heart. And the beauty is, there’s always more to discover.

Just keep practicing. You don’t need a perfect setting or specific time. Just begin. Whisper the four phrases in moments of tension. Journal with them. Meditate on them. Let them soften your inner world, moment by moment.

And as you do, you’ll notice love and forgiveness becoming more than just words.They’ll become the way you breathe, speak, and show up in the world. I truly believe this is the realist most powerful way to alter your reality. It's almost as if you step into a different world, and maybe you do.

This path is gentle. It meets you where you are. And every time you return to it, you’re inviting more peace, more clarity, and more healing for yourself and all those connected to you.